Broomstick - Part Fourteen

I apologize for the delay in posting; I was preoccupied with other things yesterday and could not post on the last day of the month as usual.

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I took a cab back to the Sleazy Fox and borrowed an address tome to look something up. I also rented out a scry bowl for about fifteen minutes. I found what I was looking for in the tome and scried “All-Weather Tethered Nether Tours, Inc.”

“Hello,” answered a frighteningly attentive young woman’s voice on the other line. “All-Weather Tethered Nether Tours, my name’s Lox, how can I help you?”

I peered into the bowl but only saw a chandelier and the back of an office chair. “Uh,” I faltered.

“Yes?” answered the very pert person on the other end.

“Uh, yes,” I said, “I’d like to go on a tour.”

“Oh, OF COURSE!” exclaimed the voice. She seemed ecstatic. “Of course, of course, of course, of course! Do prices bother you?”

“Yes,” I answered. “Just give me the cheapest full tour you have, I’ll pay when I get there.”

“Of course,” replied the voice with a sweet quality that made me think this girl didn’t quite understand the meaning of the word “reality.” She continued, “Is there anything I can do for you?”

“Uh,” I asked, “what time do I get there?”

“Oh!” she exclaimed, and there was a short silence as she, I presumed, looked through their tour schedule. “How early can you be here? We’ve got a reservation for fifteen minutes from now, it’s the full deal, if you can make it. Also half price!” She practically squealed this information at me, as if I had found her lost dog Foo-Foo. “But that might be too early. There’s one in three weeks, and there’s also one tomorrow. Those are your other options.”

“Actually,” I said, “I think I can make it to the one in fifteen minutes.”

“Ooh,” she said, “Papa bear. I would have taken the one tomorrow. All right, well, see you there!” Right before the line disconnected, I thought I heard another thump, and someone shouting awfully loudly, “SOMEONE’S BEEN USING MY DESK!!!!”

I shook my head, replaced the scry bowl and the address tome, and bade Woody goodbye before going up to my room and ransacking it of all the money I had on hand. I had a hunch that this tour would cost quite a lot and I would be eating bread and noodles for the next six weeks as I recovered financially. Oh well. After the investigation I would be getting paid for consulting, so that should hopefully cover expenses.

I went out to the street and hailed a cab. “All-Weather Tethered Nether Tours,” I ordered. “I’ll pay you double for speed.” The carriage scooted off as if hell’s minions were chasing it, insuring that I would get to the place on time for the tour.

We got there, and I paid the driver. “Keep the change,” I gasped as I raced out the door and onto the sidewalk. A bright orange sign, some clear orange tubing with werelights bouncing around inside, proclaimed, “ALL WEATHER TETHERED NETHER TOURS” in large capital letters. This was it.

I ran into the office and saw a huge bear behind the desk in the lobby. Her hair was light brown and fuzzy, a kindly smile lit her face, and perched on her long canine snout was a pair of wire-frame spectacles. “How may I help you, sir?” she asked. “Are you here for the tour?”

I looked around the lobby, nodding. “Yeah,” I said as I surveyed the occupants of the room. There was a spoon with four limbs and a face, sitting next to a similarly animated plate. They looked amorously into each other’s eyes, and I noticed they were holding hands. Next, I saw a large duck with her little toddler ducklings, all sitting attentively on a sofa. I guessed it was a field trip. I saw a few other people, a frog, a man, some sort of jumble of geometric shapes, and a mouse in the corner reading a newspaper.

I paid for the trip and then sat down in the waiting area, next to the dish and the spoon. Music came on that sounded so generic to a waiting room or an elevator that I wanted to kill myself, and then a minute or so after I sat down, the spoon and the plate started kissing. I looked the other way, feeling very awkward.

About three minutes in, some angry utensils burst into the room, and the plate and spoon hid behind the couch. A furious fork yelled, “Where’s Spoonella? I’ll get that rascal Plate-o!” They all ran out, and the dish and spoon came back to their seats. “I hope your parents don’t find out we ran away together,” Spoonella whispered to Plate-o. I concealed my derisive laughter with a well-timed sneeze and an arm over my mouth.

After about ten minutes of waiting, a young woman came out from the back hallway of the building. She was dressed in a black dress with an All-Weather Tethered Nether Tours logo embroidered on the shoulder, and her long curly hair was as bright golden blonde as I had ever seen on someone’s head before. “Hello, everyone, my name is Lox,” she smiled, “and I’ll be your tour guide.”